Alright Clomid, this is your last shot at getting us pregnant. This month is it, I'm DONE after this, for a while. My body just can't handle all of these medicines and my heart can't handle any more disappointments. I need time to regroup and refocus, my marriage does as well. That is not to say this is causing an issue in my marriage, but we need to figure out what is best for us. At this point, trying isn't. It's just tearing me apart, and because of that tearing Nate apart too. How many times can you handle a "no" before enough is enough. I'd say I'm there, realistically I've been there for a while. It's SO hard giving up, because you hear all these wonderful stories of how it happened for this couple, or that couple. I'm so glad it happened for them, but I don't see it happening for us.. not yet at least.
I'm sick and tired of people saying, "when you stop thinking about it, it will happen." Please tell me how I should stop thinking about it? I take 4 types of medicine each and every day reminding me of it. I have friends, all of them with babies reminding me of it. I have doctors appointments, I have to track my temp and not to mention people are constantly asking me about it. So, put yourself in my shoes... how can I stop thinking about it?
It's hard writing this blog, but it's making me feel better. I needed somewhere to vent and I found it. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this, because I don't know anyone that I'm close enough to dealing with it. Sure I have Nate, family and friends.. but they just don't get it. It's HARD being the only couple without a kid, it's hard being married and everyone asking "when kids are coming." I wish I could give an answer, I can't. I love my friends to death, but I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't break every time I'm with them. I am so happy that they got that missing puzzle piece in their lives, but I can't help but be reminded that we still don't.
When you're little you have dreams, being a doctor, being rich, marrying a handsome man and living happily ever after. My dream was to be a mom, I would be an amazing mom. That kills me to hear all the time, because I know I would be. I don't want to be reminded of that, because realistically we DON'T know if that chance will ever come. Please, stop saying "you're time will come" "it'll happen when you least expect it" "I have a feeling it's going to happen soon." Just STOP because you don't know that for a fact and all that does is get my hopes up and I can't handle when they get crushed.
I don't want to be this Debbie Downer, but I am allowed to be hurt. I just feel like I need to crawl into a hole for a while. I don't want to drag anyone else down with my sadness, and I don't want people giving me unwanted sympathy. I just want to be on my own, figure things out for myself and come back happy. I'm not happy right now, as far as my infertility goes. The rest of my life is great, so I don't want people thinking that I'm just depressed. I'm not depressed, just exhausted from trying.
So, I guess this is it... just one more chance.
I can tell this blogging is good for you and I know it sounds corny (though I say a lot of mushy and corny things) but I am proud of you! I am proud of you for putting it ALL out there and be vunerable (sp)! I know it is hard to share your deepest feelings (though I dont understand your feelings cause I have not been in your shoes but I know its hard).
ReplyDeleteI also LOVE how you do not hold anything back! You say how you are feeling and honestly I am glad you say what you do NOT want to hear, it makes me know how to support you better.
Also for the record if you ever want to be alone and crawl up for awhile as you work through your feelings or just need a break for being around babies...I will understand! Just let me know so I dont take it personally cause you know I am good at that. You do what is best for YOU and I am here to support the best I can!!!
I heart you and this blog!