"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all,... we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" Laura Bush.
I am overly emotional today, and most days lately. I know I haven't blogged in a while but I had SO much going on and no time to throw in my typical pity fest. I had my surgery, it was good and I'm recovering. But, with every day that passes I can't help but think.. what now? My fertility doctor strongly recommended this surgery, said it should fix things 100%. My surgeon said, I have no doubt you'll get pregnant right away (right away being 15-18 months post-op). So now I am left with promises again. Don't they know not to say that to me? Don't they know how much they got my hopes up, again. I wish they did, because as I sit here typing things I'm tearing up. Not because I'm so excited to start a family, but, because reality is I'll more than likely be shot down again.
I am overly emotional today, and most days lately. I know I haven't blogged in a while but I had SO much going on and no time to throw in my typical pity fest. I had my surgery, it was good and I'm recovering. But, with every day that passes I can't help but think.. what now? My fertility doctor strongly recommended this surgery, said it should fix things 100%. My surgeon said, I have no doubt you'll get pregnant right away (right away being 15-18 months post-op). So now I am left with promises again. Don't they know not to say that to me? Don't they know how much they got my hopes up, again. I wish they did, because as I sit here typing things I'm tearing up. Not because I'm so excited to start a family, but, because reality is I'll more than likely be shot down again.
What's left? I cannot keep destroying my heart, my marriage and my life because I want to have a baby. I know, we can try IUI or IVF... but as I see all of my infertile friends doing it, the emotions they have, the sadness they have when they swear, "this one is it!" then it isn't. I'm not sure I can go through that. The medicine, testing and failing every day was enough to make me depressed. What am I going to do when our chances are heightened that much more of getting pregnant and it doesn't happen?
I think it's time to crawl into my little hole again. I'm becoming more and more agitated. I don't have anyone here, or home that get's what I'm going through. I love my family and friends because they are so supportive, but they just don't understand it. I'm left here, blogging, or on different infertility forums pouring my heart out to ladies and men just like me. Sad, feeling alone and unsure of what's next.
I love kids, I've always loved kids. So why, why can't I have them? My goal in life was to get married and have babies, lots of them. So, I can't help but think, why did God choose THIS for me. I would have loved and appreciated a baby just as much had we gotten pregnant immediately. So why do I have to keep getting hurt, keep crying, keep being bitter? No one deserves to go through this, I wouldn't wish it on my biggest enemy. And I really don't get why I, the one who would kill for a baby is sitting here, alone.
I know a lot of people aren't going to understand this, why I'm so bitter and angry. But imagine having this dream job, you are completely qualified for then being told you can't have it and your chances of having it are slim to none. It's heartbreaking. We have every intention of adopting after this deployment. That was never an option for us, it was always a must. But, I also want my own babies, I think most women do.
I've said it before, a big reason I am going home for deployment (aside from needing family/friend support) is because a lot of people here are pregnant or have babies. While I am SO happy for them, I cannot surround myself, especially without my husband with that. That's a horrible depression waiting to happen. So, in October I'm going home, getting a job and going to school. Keeping myself really busy until he comes home.
I love kids, I've always loved kids. So why, why can't I have them? My goal in life was to get married and have babies, lots of them. So, I can't help but think, why did God choose THIS for me. I would have loved and appreciated a baby just as much had we gotten pregnant immediately. So why do I have to keep getting hurt, keep crying, keep being bitter? No one deserves to go through this, I wouldn't wish it on my biggest enemy. And I really don't get why I, the one who would kill for a baby is sitting here, alone.
I know a lot of people aren't going to understand this, why I'm so bitter and angry. But imagine having this dream job, you are completely qualified for then being told you can't have it and your chances of having it are slim to none. It's heartbreaking. We have every intention of adopting after this deployment. That was never an option for us, it was always a must. But, I also want my own babies, I think most women do.
I've said it before, a big reason I am going home for deployment (aside from needing family/friend support) is because a lot of people here are pregnant or have babies. While I am SO happy for them, I cannot surround myself, especially without my husband with that. That's a horrible depression waiting to happen. So, in October I'm going home, getting a job and going to school. Keeping myself really busy until he comes home.
Until then I'm stuck with a promise, the smallest amount of hope and a supportive group of people keeping me sane. Hopefully the doctors are right, hopefully it WILL be my time.
But, until then...
Angry, bitter, hopeful and drained,
Amber
But, until then...
Angry, bitter, hopeful and drained,
Amber
