Keep Hope Alive

"Hold your head high, stick your chest out. You can make it. It gets dark sometimes, but morning comes. Keep hope alive."
Jesse Jackson
First and foremost, I'd like to apologize for being such a downer lately. I know that I do have reason to be upset, but that doesn't mean I need to be! It's time to turn the page and start a new chapter, a happier chapter in my life. I'm going to look forward, remember the past, but stop looking back. I'm done with the "what-ifs" and focusing on what I have now.

This part, I never thought I'd say.. whoo are you ready for this? But, for real, I'm leaving everything up to God. I'm done trying to force change, I'll accept things as they come and know that there is a reason for everything. I have questioned my faith (or lack thereof) quite often lately. Why am I losing faith, what do I have to lose to keep it? There is no point to "lose" faith, if anything, with each day that passes it should be getting stronger. I plan on doing just that, making my faith stronger. My husband should get a kick out of that!
 
Anyways! I realized I haven't updated since surgery about how things are going. Well, I am a little over 1 month post-op. I've lost 40 pounds, yep, awesome. I'm proud of myself because of that, but I'm not anywhere near where I want to be. I need to focus on working out, seriously. I just haven't had any energy to do much. But, starting this next week when Nate is home we're back into the grind, working out daily. Til then I'll stick with Zumba on the Wii (LOVE IT) and walking. I'm not posting pictures of my progress until after I visit family (August).

Speaking of family, last I updated I was moving home for deployment. As much as I'd love to, financially it's not a smart move for us. So, I'm staying in El Paso, moving into a cheap 1 bedroom apartment so we can save some money and just visiting family more often. I'll probably go home October - January (maybe a bit shorter) then again in the Summer for a few months. I would LOVE to have the money to move home, but I thought about it. I'd spend the money to move out of here, fix up our car, drive from El Paso, TX to Michigan, pay for storage on our stuff, buy new stuff because I wouldn't bring anything but clothes and basic stuff for only a year. Then I'd have to move back here, find a place to live and move alone... again! No thank you, so instead in September we'll move into a new place and I'll just suck it up. As long as I'm not alone for the holidays I'm fine. Plus I figured after deployment we'll probably be PCSing somewhere else, I don't want to move across country, back to Texas and then wherever they send us all in a year. I'm over moving! So I'm going to find a place and stay there til the Army tells us to leave. So now I'm in the process of apartment hunting. I found a place I'm head over heels in love with, just not sure it's worth it (kind of pricey, still under BAH though) or if I should just get a super cheap "ok" place and save even more money. I mean I know Nate's answer is going to be (besides the "YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND AGAIN) that I should live somewhere I actually like or else I'll regret it. I don't know, we'll see.

Speaking of Nate, ugh, deployment is creeping up. I hate it! He's gone this week with his training, wahh. I'm totally not one of those wives who whines every single time he's gone.. although I will say this time sucks. I think it's because it's been roughly 4 months since Nate has gone to the field.. so it's kind of like the fist time again. He's doing good though, his ankle/foot is healing up nicely and he's good to deploy now. Not going to lie, I wish he wasn't deploying.. but I'm glad he busted his butt to make sure he'd be okay. I convinced him we should talk to a counselor. Before anyone thinks anything is wrong, there isn't. We just want to make sure we're on the same page as far as deployment goes. That is a very stressful time on a couple and I want to make sure we're stronger than ever during the time leading up and the year he's gone. So yeah, counseling.. I think it will be good for us. He's starting to do the whole Nate thing, and he's pushing me away (easier for him to deal I guess) and I want to nip that in the bud before he leaves. Plus I know, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm sure my sulking around is making it even harder for him. So we'll see, I'm optimistic about it though!


Anyways, that's an update on us for now!

Until tomorrow or when I post next ;)

Amber

Post..

To come!

... sigh

This isn't going to be just about my infertility tonight. I have so much to say, and I need to let it out somewhere. I've just been so sad lately, I know I'm getting depressed even though I'm not sure why. I need to make a Dr. appointment soon.
I just feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. People always tell me I can talk to them, but I don't necessarily feel that way. I've pushed away everyone lately. I just feel so alone. It sounds cheesy but even in a crowded room, I'm lost and alone. I thought I was moving past the infertility stuff with my surgery but lately it's been killing me.
I feel like everyone expected me to be okay, because I had something else to keep me busy. But, it isn't working. The surgery is actually making me think of it more. I can't pretend to let it go.. something that has hurt me for this long can't just disappear overnight. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I've lost sight of what's important in my life and I'm not sure how to get it back. I don't sleep anymore, I walk around like a zombie. I don't care about anything or anyone... at least it feels that way. But it also feels like no one really cares about me anymore either.
In the beginning I had such a strong support group, it seems like they got sick of me needing them and kind of disappeared. I don't know, this probably doesn't make much sense. But, nothing does to me anymore. It seems like all my friendships have faded.. my heart hurts because of that. I never really was the type of person that needed to depend on friends, but I am now and I feel like I have no one to lean on.
It's not fair to the ones that have been there for me to say this, I know that, but I can't help how I feel lately. I just feel like when things are going good I have support but as soon as something goes wrong I'm alone. I don't know anymore, I just don't like feeling this way.