This isn't going to be just about my infertility tonight. I have so much to say, and I need to let it out somewhere. I've just been so sad lately, I know I'm getting depressed even though I'm not sure why. I need to make a Dr. appointment soon.
I just feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. People always tell me I can talk to them, but I don't necessarily feel that way. I've pushed away everyone lately. I just feel so alone. It sounds cheesy but even in a crowded room, I'm lost and alone. I thought I was moving past the infertility stuff with my surgery but lately it's been killing me.
I feel like everyone expected me to be okay, because I had something else to keep me busy. But, it isn't working. The surgery is actually making me think of it more. I can't pretend to let it go.. something that has hurt me for this long can't just disappear overnight. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I've lost sight of what's important in my life and I'm not sure how to get it back. I don't sleep anymore, I walk around like a zombie. I don't care about anything or anyone... at least it feels that way. But it also feels like no one really cares about me anymore either.
In the beginning I had such a strong support group, it seems like they got sick of me needing them and kind of disappeared. I don't know, this probably doesn't make much sense. But, nothing does to me anymore. It seems like all my friendships have faded.. my heart hurts because of that. I never really was the type of person that needed to depend on friends, but I am now and I feel like I have no one to lean on.
It's not fair to the ones that have been there for me to say this, I know that, but I can't help how I feel lately. I just feel like when things are going good I have support but as soon as something goes wrong I'm alone. I don't know anymore, I just don't like feeling this way.
You're not alone but I completely understand your feelings. I've felt them so many times. It does seem like people never seem to be there for you while dealing with IF. I've lost a few friendships lately & I know it has to do with IF. I completely understand how you're feeling & you do need to talk to a doctor. I just 2 weeks ago started anti-depressants. That may not be the road for you but they have people you can talk to too. Maybe you do just need someone to talk too. :) Hugs Hugs Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteIts okay to feel that way, and I totally understand. I am so sorry for everything your going through, I think your AMAZINGLY strong, and I am so proud of you. I look up to you Amber, I really do. The surgery is making it so much harder because its that much closer to being real for you. Hang on a just a LITTLE bit longer & keep your faith. Your miracle IS going to happen & its going to be amazing!<3
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies! I really appreciate everything you both said!
ReplyDeleteYou are both amazing <3