Fail on my part. I know it's been a while since I updated this, but I'm visiting family right now. Nothing new or exciting regarding ttc or anything. Still on my two week wait, not getting my hopes up about it. But yeah, story of my life, right?
I promise when I get back home I will update like crazy!!
<3
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Dreaded 2 week wait!
What is the 2 week wait you ask? Well it's that dreaded time of the month between ovulation and pregnancy test time. I'm sure you can tell why it would be so annoying for me, lol. This is my 3402502985920835 (okay maybe I'm exaggerating) 2 week wait.
I really really really don't want to jinx myself, but we were talking about it and I dunno, we both have a "feeling" about this month which isn't really common for us. It was super cute, usually Nate isn't one to talk baby (I think it's his way of coping) and he actually was talking about nursery themes and all that. I got really lucky to marry such an amazing guy who will one day be the most amazing father ever. My hormones are nuts lately, and I've been getting really hot, really cold and back to hot. I think Nate wants to kill me because one minute the air is on 72 the next I have the heat on. It's my medicine though, it makes me nuts. Anyway, hopes are definitely NOT up, we know better. I love how my friends are more anxious for test taking time than I am. But, I have set myself up to not get over excited and to expect the worse. This would be a real convenient time to get pregnant. I'm going home to visit family and we have plans to go to Cedar Point. So, won't it be my like that I get pregnant and not be able to ride any rides. Eh well, that is definitely a price I am willing to pay.
My surgery process is in full swing! I'm going November 16th for a seminar, to meet the doctors, learn the plan and choose the route I'd like to take. After that the nurse said it should start a snowball effect basically. Hm, what else is going on in my life... nothing really! Oooh wait!! We did indeed get worked related good news today... maybe this will be our good luck week! Nate got promoted, well he gets promoted November 1st! So proud of my love!
Anyways, off to bed I go.
Infertile... for now,
Amber!
I really really really don't want to jinx myself, but we were talking about it and I dunno, we both have a "feeling" about this month which isn't really common for us. It was super cute, usually Nate isn't one to talk baby (I think it's his way of coping) and he actually was talking about nursery themes and all that. I got really lucky to marry such an amazing guy who will one day be the most amazing father ever. My hormones are nuts lately, and I've been getting really hot, really cold and back to hot. I think Nate wants to kill me because one minute the air is on 72 the next I have the heat on. It's my medicine though, it makes me nuts. Anyway, hopes are definitely NOT up, we know better. I love how my friends are more anxious for test taking time than I am. But, I have set myself up to not get over excited and to expect the worse. This would be a real convenient time to get pregnant. I'm going home to visit family and we have plans to go to Cedar Point. So, won't it be my like that I get pregnant and not be able to ride any rides. Eh well, that is definitely a price I am willing to pay.
My surgery process is in full swing! I'm going November 16th for a seminar, to meet the doctors, learn the plan and choose the route I'd like to take. After that the nurse said it should start a snowball effect basically. Hm, what else is going on in my life... nothing really! Oooh wait!! We did indeed get worked related good news today... maybe this will be our good luck week! Nate got promoted, well he gets promoted November 1st! So proud of my love!
Anyways, off to bed I go.
Infertile... for now,
Amber!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Oh infertility, I hate you.
Seriously, if anyone didn't know our situation and just knew that month after month I take medicine that makes me sick they'd think we're nuts. But such is life of an infertile couple, unfortunately. At least I know when we finally do get pregnant I am going to really appreciate every little thing because of everything I've gone through to get there. I don't think people really get what goes into getting pregnant for an infertile couple, so I want to help out with that a bit. For most people it's a cycle.. woman gets a visit from AF, woman ovulates, sex happens and bam pregnancy. For us well...
To start each month (continued daily throughout each month):
Wake up, take temp. before doing ANYTHING and chart it.
Take 1000 MG of Metformin - which by the way, makes me incredibly sick but I need to take it.
Take a prenatal
I also go to the doctors 1x a month to make sure my body is behaving on my meds and actually doing what it is supposed to.
For 10 days a month:
Aside from taking the metformin and the prenatals I take Provera.
Provera is used to make me have a period. Because my body sucks and refuses to.
Hopefully after the 10 days + 4 extras I should start, though I don't always. If I start great, if I don't then I bump it to 2000mg of metformin and provera again.
Days 5-9 of my period:
Aside from metformin and prenatals I now take Clomid.
Clomid is supposed to make me ovulate, usually.
I have to chart like always and I have to take ovulation tests everyday just to make sure I did indeed ovulate each month.
On top of all of this, I feel like garbage, I'm moody and my hormones are all over the place. I have to call my doctor after all of that to discuss my cycle for that month and devise a new plan for the next, just in case. All of this, just to get disappointment after disappointment as the months go on. I'm not writing this for sympathy but rather for understanding. It's a sad cycle that seems never ending. I don't need pity but I do need support. You have to understand its hard to KEEP doing this month after month so sometimes I need that push, that vote of confidence.. anything to make me feel better ya know?
Anyways, that's my ramblings for tonight. I really hope this helps those who aren't dealing with this but know someone that is to better understand the sadness that comes with infertility. The exhaustion of constantly checking up to see if you body is doing what it SHOULD be doing without medication. Because it really is a tiring thing.
Until tomorrow and a BFP,
Infertile Amber.
To start each month (continued daily throughout each month):
Wake up, take temp. before doing ANYTHING and chart it.
Take 1000 MG of Metformin - which by the way, makes me incredibly sick but I need to take it.
Take a prenatal
I also go to the doctors 1x a month to make sure my body is behaving on my meds and actually doing what it is supposed to.
For 10 days a month:
Aside from taking the metformin and the prenatals I take Provera.
Provera is used to make me have a period. Because my body sucks and refuses to.
Hopefully after the 10 days + 4 extras I should start, though I don't always. If I start great, if I don't then I bump it to 2000mg of metformin and provera again.
Days 5-9 of my period:
Aside from metformin and prenatals I now take Clomid.
Clomid is supposed to make me ovulate, usually.
I have to chart like always and I have to take ovulation tests everyday just to make sure I did indeed ovulate each month.
On top of all of this, I feel like garbage, I'm moody and my hormones are all over the place. I have to call my doctor after all of that to discuss my cycle for that month and devise a new plan for the next, just in case. All of this, just to get disappointment after disappointment as the months go on. I'm not writing this for sympathy but rather for understanding. It's a sad cycle that seems never ending. I don't need pity but I do need support. You have to understand its hard to KEEP doing this month after month so sometimes I need that push, that vote of confidence.. anything to make me feel better ya know?
Anyways, that's my ramblings for tonight. I really hope this helps those who aren't dealing with this but know someone that is to better understand the sadness that comes with infertility. The exhaustion of constantly checking up to see if you body is doing what it SHOULD be doing without medication. Because it really is a tiring thing.
Until tomorrow and a BFP,
Infertile Amber.
My eyes are opened.
Today was an incredibly rough day for me. I just feel like any day that I'm feeling a little bit better something happens to shove it back in my face. But enough is enough! I have to stay strong, persevere and beat this! There is no cure for PCOS but by spreading the word and making everyone aware of it and just how many people it effects we can change the world.
My eyes were opened today with a simple click on the good ol' Google link. I was searching for PCOS Awareness ribbons, for a car decal or anything. I came across a site, http://www.projectpcos.org/. It is an amazing, eye opening site. I didn't know there was such a thing as PCOS awareness as I was not informed enough on it to know it effects SO many people. But it does help me feel as though I'm not alone. It's a horrible thing to feel alone, and I don't want ANYONE else to go through that. So I write this blog, in hopes that it helps at least one other person the way it is helping me.
PCOS HOPE
If you ever see a ribbon of teal,
Until tomorrow,
bitterly infertily Amber
My eyes were opened today with a simple click on the good ol' Google link. I was searching for PCOS Awareness ribbons, for a car decal or anything. I came across a site, http://www.projectpcos.org/. It is an amazing, eye opening site. I didn't know there was such a thing as PCOS awareness as I was not informed enough on it to know it effects SO many people. But it does help me feel as though I'm not alone. It's a horrible thing to feel alone, and I don't want ANYONE else to go through that. So I write this blog, in hopes that it helps at least one other person the way it is helping me.
PCOS HOPE
If you ever see a ribbon of teal,
and wonder what it means.
Think of who a woman is,
and what a woman sees.
She sees herself, her beauty
in the middle of disease
She is more than a diagnosis
of symptoms, despair, and unease.
She's on a journey called PCOS
to discover, encourage, inspire and bless.
Where it will take her, she does not know
but her faith is great, and her efforts will show
That her mission is great and her plight is real
The symbol of hope is a ribbon of teal.
Until tomorrow, bitterly infertily Amber
Friday, October 8, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I Would Die For That
This video gives me chills every single time I watch it. I searched all over youtube and boards I've been a part of to find it and post it on here. I think it explains everything perfectly. Today has been a decent day so far, slept in finally and I start Clomid today as well! Wish us luck!!
I'll post more tonight!
Infertile yet awesome,
Amber!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Do you need me to spell it out for you... I-N-F-E-R-T-I-L-I-T-Y
"So, when are you two gonna have babies." Seriously, I think I've asked that question a million times in my life, to friends, family and even myself. Infertility isn't something most people think about on a day to day basis. Your best friend, your mom, the one you cry to and explain your problems to might not even think about it as the words slip out of their mouth. I'll be honest, until I was diagnosed with PCOS I never thought there was even a remote possibility that I'd have issues conceiving, I mean, why would I? I didn't know anyone with issues, everyone I knew got pregnant no problem so why would I second guess it?
The truth is, as much as it hurts when people seem careless to my problems, I have to realize they don't understand. Just like I was a few years back, they are blind to the idea of PCOS or infertility. So, I just want me fellow infertile friends to know, while some people may not understand or show sympathy to you.. I do. I know how hard it is, I know how time consuming and heartbreaking each month, each 2ww, each negative is. Help those around you understand, send them info on what is causing you to be infertile, blog to them, cry to them whatever you feel necessary. Just don't shut them out! I'm good at that, I keep my problems to myself, BIG mistake. Even if they aren't in your shoes, they want to be able to help you. They won't get you 100% of the time, but they will try their best.
Anyways, maybe this doesn't make sense, maybe it makes perfect sense all I know is I shut everyone out for a long time and this blog is the first time I'm really laying it all on the line. It makes me feel better, a weight is lifted off my shoulders every time I hit "publish post." I've always been one to keep a journal but never one to make it public. But, why not with this. I know when I first got diagnosed I felt SO alone in the world. Like I said before, no one I knew had issues. So here I sat, crying and asking why me? I was miserable, those were some pretty dark days. I don't want anyone else to go through that. I had a friend say to me that my blog helps her feel like she's not alone, that is EXACTLY what I wanted for this. Because you aren't alone, when you are crying, know that I am crying with you. It breaks my heart when I find out someone else is going through this, because I know how much it kills me to deal with it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
So tonight, this is for all my friends who have tried to help but maybe not known the right words to say, to my family who has stuck by and kept the hope going that one day it WILL happen and to those with similar stories.. thank you for inspiring me and helping me to release everything I've held in for so long.
Thoughts on becoming a mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
The truth is, as much as it hurts when people seem careless to my problems, I have to realize they don't understand. Just like I was a few years back, they are blind to the idea of PCOS or infertility. So, I just want me fellow infertile friends to know, while some people may not understand or show sympathy to you.. I do. I know how hard it is, I know how time consuming and heartbreaking each month, each 2ww, each negative is. Help those around you understand, send them info on what is causing you to be infertile, blog to them, cry to them whatever you feel necessary. Just don't shut them out! I'm good at that, I keep my problems to myself, BIG mistake. Even if they aren't in your shoes, they want to be able to help you. They won't get you 100% of the time, but they will try their best.
Anyways, maybe this doesn't make sense, maybe it makes perfect sense all I know is I shut everyone out for a long time and this blog is the first time I'm really laying it all on the line. It makes me feel better, a weight is lifted off my shoulders every time I hit "publish post." I've always been one to keep a journal but never one to make it public. But, why not with this. I know when I first got diagnosed I felt SO alone in the world. Like I said before, no one I knew had issues. So here I sat, crying and asking why me? I was miserable, those were some pretty dark days. I don't want anyone else to go through that. I had a friend say to me that my blog helps her feel like she's not alone, that is EXACTLY what I wanted for this. Because you aren't alone, when you are crying, know that I am crying with you. It breaks my heart when I find out someone else is going through this, because I know how much it kills me to deal with it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
So tonight, this is for all my friends who have tried to help but maybe not known the right words to say, to my family who has stuck by and kept the hope going that one day it WILL happen and to those with similar stories.. thank you for inspiring me and helping me to release everything I've held in for so long.
Thoughts on becoming a mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Monday, October 4, 2010
One more chance..
Alright Clomid, this is your last shot at getting us pregnant. This month is it, I'm DONE after this, for a while. My body just can't handle all of these medicines and my heart can't handle any more disappointments. I need time to regroup and refocus, my marriage does as well. That is not to say this is causing an issue in my marriage, but we need to figure out what is best for us. At this point, trying isn't. It's just tearing me apart, and because of that tearing Nate apart too. How many times can you handle a "no" before enough is enough. I'd say I'm there, realistically I've been there for a while. It's SO hard giving up, because you hear all these wonderful stories of how it happened for this couple, or that couple. I'm so glad it happened for them, but I don't see it happening for us.. not yet at least.
I'm sick and tired of people saying, "when you stop thinking about it, it will happen." Please tell me how I should stop thinking about it? I take 4 types of medicine each and every day reminding me of it. I have friends, all of them with babies reminding me of it. I have doctors appointments, I have to track my temp and not to mention people are constantly asking me about it. So, put yourself in my shoes... how can I stop thinking about it?
It's hard writing this blog, but it's making me feel better. I needed somewhere to vent and I found it. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this, because I don't know anyone that I'm close enough to dealing with it. Sure I have Nate, family and friends.. but they just don't get it. It's HARD being the only couple without a kid, it's hard being married and everyone asking "when kids are coming." I wish I could give an answer, I can't. I love my friends to death, but I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't break every time I'm with them. I am so happy that they got that missing puzzle piece in their lives, but I can't help but be reminded that we still don't.
When you're little you have dreams, being a doctor, being rich, marrying a handsome man and living happily ever after. My dream was to be a mom, I would be an amazing mom. That kills me to hear all the time, because I know I would be. I don't want to be reminded of that, because realistically we DON'T know if that chance will ever come. Please, stop saying "you're time will come" "it'll happen when you least expect it" "I have a feeling it's going to happen soon." Just STOP because you don't know that for a fact and all that does is get my hopes up and I can't handle when they get crushed.
I don't want to be this Debbie Downer, but I am allowed to be hurt. I just feel like I need to crawl into a hole for a while. I don't want to drag anyone else down with my sadness, and I don't want people giving me unwanted sympathy. I just want to be on my own, figure things out for myself and come back happy. I'm not happy right now, as far as my infertility goes. The rest of my life is great, so I don't want people thinking that I'm just depressed. I'm not depressed, just exhausted from trying.
So, I guess this is it... just one more chance.
I'm sick and tired of people saying, "when you stop thinking about it, it will happen." Please tell me how I should stop thinking about it? I take 4 types of medicine each and every day reminding me of it. I have friends, all of them with babies reminding me of it. I have doctors appointments, I have to track my temp and not to mention people are constantly asking me about it. So, put yourself in my shoes... how can I stop thinking about it?
It's hard writing this blog, but it's making me feel better. I needed somewhere to vent and I found it. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this, because I don't know anyone that I'm close enough to dealing with it. Sure I have Nate, family and friends.. but they just don't get it. It's HARD being the only couple without a kid, it's hard being married and everyone asking "when kids are coming." I wish I could give an answer, I can't. I love my friends to death, but I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't break every time I'm with them. I am so happy that they got that missing puzzle piece in their lives, but I can't help but be reminded that we still don't.
When you're little you have dreams, being a doctor, being rich, marrying a handsome man and living happily ever after. My dream was to be a mom, I would be an amazing mom. That kills me to hear all the time, because I know I would be. I don't want to be reminded of that, because realistically we DON'T know if that chance will ever come. Please, stop saying "you're time will come" "it'll happen when you least expect it" "I have a feeling it's going to happen soon." Just STOP because you don't know that for a fact and all that does is get my hopes up and I can't handle when they get crushed.
I don't want to be this Debbie Downer, but I am allowed to be hurt. I just feel like I need to crawl into a hole for a while. I don't want to drag anyone else down with my sadness, and I don't want people giving me unwanted sympathy. I just want to be on my own, figure things out for myself and come back happy. I'm not happy right now, as far as my infertility goes. The rest of my life is great, so I don't want people thinking that I'm just depressed. I'm not depressed, just exhausted from trying.
So, I guess this is it... just one more chance.
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