Do you need me to spell it out for you... I-N-F-E-R-T-I-L-I-T-Y

"So, when are you two gonna have babies." Seriously, I think I've asked that question a million times in my life, to friends, family and even myself. Infertility isn't something most people think about on a day to day basis. Your best friend, your mom, the one you cry to and explain your problems to might not even think about it as the words slip out of their mouth. I'll be honest, until I was diagnosed with PCOS I never thought there was even a remote possibility that I'd have issues conceiving, I mean, why would I? I didn't know anyone with issues, everyone I knew got pregnant no problem so why would I second guess it? 

The truth is, as much as it hurts when people seem careless to my problems, I have to realize they don't understand. Just like I was a few years back, they are blind to the idea of PCOS or infertility. So, I just want me fellow infertile friends to know, while some people may not understand or show sympathy to you.. I do. I know how hard it is, I know how time consuming and heartbreaking each month, each 2ww, each negative is. Help those around you understand, send them info on what is causing you to be infertile, blog to them, cry to them whatever you feel necessary. Just don't shut them out! I'm good at that, I keep my problems to myself, BIG mistake. Even if they aren't in your shoes, they want to be able to help you. They won't get you 100% of the time, but they will try their best.

Anyways, maybe this doesn't make sense, maybe it makes perfect sense all I know is I shut everyone out for a long time and this blog is the first time I'm really laying it all on the line. It makes me feel better, a weight is lifted off my shoulders every time I hit "publish post." I've always been one to keep a journal but never one to make it public. But, why not with this. I know when I first got diagnosed I felt SO alone in the world. Like I said before, no one I knew had issues. So here I sat, crying and asking why me? I was miserable, those were some pretty dark days. I don't want anyone else to go through that. I had a friend say to me that my blog helps her feel like she's not alone, that is EXACTLY what I wanted for this. Because you aren't alone, when you are crying, know that I am crying with you. It breaks my heart when I find out someone else is going through this, because I know how much it kills me to deal with it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

So tonight, this is for all my friends who have tried to help but maybe not known the right words to say, to my family who has stuck by and kept the hope going that one day it WILL happen and to those with similar stories.. thank you for inspiring me and helping me to release everything I've held in for so long.


Thoughts on becoming a mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.