Well..

Today was an eventful day to say the least.


Woke up at lovely 7am because people don't understand the rule that you don't yell cadences during PT on a residential street, morons. Then I got up, got ready and headed to my appointment. Things went great, (this was not a fertility appt) and I'm really looking forward to the next couple of months getting the ball rolling. I'm not 100% ready to share what I'm doing, some people know and for now I'd like to keep it that way. But, let me just say my life will do a complete turn around if this happens. Anywho, after my appointment went with Amber to get her hair cut and then I colored it. Then hung out with my love, watched Hells Kitchen (I'm addicted btw) and now I'm cleaning. Tomorrow is going to be busy as well, so maybe I should get some sleep.



Til tomorrow...
and still infertile,

Amber!

I swear I'm not bi-polar...

But today I am not nearly as sad as I was yesterday. I don't know, I think I had a relaxing day, I slept in and I feel better so maybe I'm just not as whiny. But I said it before and I'll say it again, my emotions are definitely a roller coaster. Anywho, I made a "life altering" decision today and I go tomorrow to see if I'm qualified. If I am, I'll let you know tomorrow if not... then I'm going to work on some things and try again.

Either way, I have hope and I'm excited.

This one is going to be short because OTH and Glee are on in like 15 minutes and I'll cry if I miss them!

www.999reasonstolaugh.com

You are more than your infertility.
You are a wife, a partner, a friend, a lover.
You are a daughter, sister, an aunt, a cousin.
You are a worker, a fur mommy, a smiler, a laugher.
You are a timed intercourse lover, a basal temperature checker, a pregnancy bump spy.
You are a toilet paper inspector, a Doctor Google searcher, an ovulation charter.
You are a pregnancy strip tester, a PCOS hair plucker, a low-sperm count partner.
You are a fake pregnancy symptomer, a Clomid side effector, a Facebook pregnancy spy.
You are a crier in public places, a hormonal fertility needle injector, a fertility drug addict.
You are hoper, a believer, a person who won’t give up-er.
You are a strong woman.
Infertility does not define you.

Hope

HOPE is a four letter word but conveniently so is:
Crap, another negative pregnancy test!
F**k, why am I not pregnant yet?
Sh*t, am I the only person in the world who can’t get pregnant? I feel envy.
Hell, what is wrong with me? Come to my pity party.
Damm, that teenage girl got accidentally pregnant and I’ve been trying for months (what a sl*t)!
Darn, when is it my turn?
wait….time…cost…want…need…luck…aunt flow…wand…bump.
But after all the swearing and crying, we still hold onto the four letter words that give us strength: Love, Heal and Hope.
(www.999reasonstolaugh.com)


I'm feeling hopeless, today especially. I don't know, I'm throwing myself a pity party because that last few weeks have been rough for me. I started Metformin, Provera and Clomid over a year ago. I took a break for about 5 months this year to go on Birth Control to regulate my non-existent period. After I got off the birth control my period came and went like a regular one should. I was so excited, I was as normal as I could get! I ovulated with the help of Clomid I didn't need the Metformin or the Provera any more. Then this month.... no period at all. WHAT THE F! Why now? Why when I'm finally getting to the point where I actually believe this COULD happen for us does this happen? I'm sick of suffering, I'm sick of crying. I want to be able to tell people we're expecting, but I can't. Today got so bad that I actually asked Nate if he'll still want to be with me knowing I probably cannot give him children. He said yes, God do I love that man. He knows all the right things to say to me at my weakest moments. I'm BLESSED because of him, and I am grateful for him being in my life. I finally got to the point where I can admit, as much as it will hurt.. if we can't have kids, I am perfectly fine spending my life with just him. He's amazing and I don't deserve someone as amazing as him. But I am going to hold on to him for dear life, because I need him, I love him and I appreciate him.

Hello infertility, nice to meet you...

Infertility;
n.

1. Absent or diminished fertility.
2. The persistent inability to conceive a child.
   
   
   My life, revolves around this word. I eat, breath, sleep infertility. It has taken over my every thought. I see a pregnant woman, I cringe. I see people with their kids, I cry. I can't help it, I'm bitter and dammit I have that right! I'm 23, if I hear "well you're still young" one more time I might scream. I am well aware that 23 is "young" that's not the point.. the point actually is that I'm still NOT pregnant. It has nothing to do with age, it has to do with my ovaries and how much they suck.
   
   Anyways I'm Amber, as I said I'm 23. I'm married, happily to Nate. We've been together over 5 years and we've been TTC for what seems like a lifetime. A little less than a year ago I was officially diagnosed with PCOS (Oh, joy) though doctors thought it was what I had years before that. For those that don't know, PCOS is Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, basically it means I have cysts (duh) on my ovaries that cause me to not ovulate (although I do ovulate with the help of Clomid). Anyways, this is going to be about our journey to hopefully parenthood or to answers and closure... we'll see how it goes.
   
   Just be warned, there will be days where it seems nothing is wrong, there will be days where I am a wreck. Believe me, I've been dealing with it a couple of years, my emotions are a roller coaster. I'm trying eagerly to find the "light at the end of the tunnel" but so far all I see is everyone else pregnant with kids and me here, with none in sight. Believe me, it's hard to see that on a day to day basis. Add the fact that my husband is in the Army, infantry to be exact and infantry families reproduce like rabbits, especially here so we're definitely the "odd man out." Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for my friends that have kids... but I also am jealous. It's okay, I'm not going to hate anyone for having a kid.. well maybe those who shouldn't be parents (we'll save that for another post) but I'm not going to be ecstatic either.. unless you're a fellow infertility friend, then I'll probably be more excited than you.
   
   && for a laugh, because I NEED to laugh (thank you www.999reasonstolaugh.com)
   
   You know you’ve joined the infertility club when….
   1- You know your husband’s sperm count (both washed and unwashed)
   2- You can say the words “vagina” or “semen” without giggling
   3- The nurses at the fertility clinic knows you by first and last name
   4- You give directions to the ultrasound room to new infertiles
   5- You can tell the doctor your temperature to the exact decimal point
   6- You told the ultrasound technician your follicle size and uterine lining before she told you
   7- You refer to a Monday as a ‘Day 3′
   8-You refuse to purchase tampons or pads until it’s too late (another pair of ruined underwear!)
   9- You’re thinking of dressing up like a test tube or the Octomom for Halloween
   10- You refuse to go into a hot tube in fear of hard boiling any eggs
   
   
   Signed,
   Infertile Amber.