Infertility Awareness Month

Please please please, show your support to your friends, family and loved ones going through infertility. April is Infertility Awareness Month and I promise you, a hug, smile or nice comment to someone you know that is suffering will lift them up more than you could imagine. We've been lucky and have had a great support system behind us every step of the way, but not everyone is as lucky. So, take time out of your day, please to let them know you are thinking of them, rooting for them and you love them! Thankssss
“Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

Heartfelt

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all,... we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" Laura Bush.

      I am overly emotional today, and most days lately. I know I haven't blogged in a while but I had SO much going on and no time to throw in my typical pity fest. I had my surgery, it was good and I'm recovering. But, with every day that passes I can't help but think.. what now? My fertility doctor strongly recommended this surgery, said it should fix things 100%. My surgeon said, I have no doubt you'll get pregnant right away (right away being 15-18 months post-op). So now I am left with promises again. Don't they know not to say that to me? Don't they know how much they got my hopes up, again. I wish they did, because as I sit here typing things I'm tearing up. Not because I'm so excited to start a family, but, because reality is I'll more than likely be shot down again. 

     What's left? I cannot keep destroying my heart, my marriage and my life because I want to have a baby. I know, we can try IUI or IVF... but as I see all of my infertile friends doing it, the emotions they have, the sadness they have when they swear, "this one is it!" then it isn't. I'm not sure I can go through that. The medicine, testing and failing every day was enough to make me depressed. What am I going to do when our chances are heightened that much more of getting pregnant and it doesn't happen? 

     I think it's time to crawl into my little hole again. I'm becoming more and more agitated. I don't have anyone here, or home that get's what I'm going through. I love my family and friends because they are so supportive, but they just don't understand it. I'm left here, blogging, or on different infertility forums pouring my heart out to ladies and men just like me. Sad, feeling alone and unsure of what's next.
     I love kids, I've always loved kids. So why, why can't I have them? My goal in life was to get married and have babies, lots of them. So, I can't help but think, why did God choose THIS for me. I would have loved and appreciated a baby just as much had we gotten pregnant immediately. So why do I have to keep getting hurt, keep crying, keep being bitter? No one deserves to go through this, I wouldn't wish it on my biggest enemy. And I really don't get why I, the one who would kill for a baby is sitting here, alone.
     I know a lot of people aren't going to understand this, why I'm so bitter and angry. But imagine having this dream job, you are completely qualified for then being told you can't have it and your chances of having it are slim to none. It's heartbreaking. We have every intention of adopting after this deployment. That was never an option for us, it was always a must. But, I also want my own babies, I think most women do.
     I've said it before, a big reason I am going home for deployment (aside from needing family/friend support) is because a lot of people here are pregnant or have babies. While I am SO happy for them, I cannot surround myself, especially without my husband with that. That's a horrible depression waiting to happen. So, in October I'm going home, getting a job and going to school. Keeping myself really busy until he comes home.

     Until then I'm stuck with a promise, the smallest amount of hope and a supportive group of people keeping me sane. Hopefully the doctors are right, hopefully it WILL be my time.

But, until then...

Angry, bitter, hopeful and drained,
Amber

It's been a while

It's been quite a while since I've updated this. Honestly, I'm not sure (at this point in time) what to update about. This past month my husband and I decided was our last month to actively try for a baby. Actively meaning with medicine and the help of doctors. It's SO incredibly heartbreaking to always here, "maybe next month." My body cannot handle all of these meds and my heart cannot handle any more negatives. So, we made a decision to let it go.. until after deployment. This breaks my heart even more than stopping because I know one of the biggest things was Nate wanted a baby before he deployed.


Good news is, my body is still working without the medicine. I had AF this month and I ovulated without anything. This is great news, because that means I can stop medicine altogether. On another note I have officially decided I will be having gastric bypass surgery. This should happen within the next couple of months. Our hope is that 1) I'll become healthier for myself and 2) I'll lose enough weight that I could have a baby a lot easier than I can now.


I'm just sad, I know I'm getting depressed about the whole thing. I've been talking to a counselor in hopes to kind of, forgive myself and move past the infertility. I need to realize that I am more than my infertility, and I will be okay regardless. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. It's a lot of work though and it'll take me quite a while.


Deployment, yuck. I've decided I'm going home during deployment. I just think being here, surrounded by pregnant people or people with kids isn't the best idea ever for me.. especially because I'll be here alone. So yea... going home for sure.

Anyways that's my life lately, I'll update a hell of a lot more often than I am now I promise!!


Until we're pregnant I'm hormonally yours,

Amber =)

Sorry for the delay!

Fail on my part. I know it's been a while since I updated this, but I'm visiting family right now. Nothing new or exciting regarding ttc or anything. Still on my two week wait, not getting my hopes up about it. But yeah, story of my life, right?


I promise when I get back home I will update like crazy!!

<3

The Dreaded 2 week wait!

What is the 2 week wait you ask? Well it's that dreaded time of the month between ovulation and pregnancy test time. I'm sure you can tell why it would be so annoying for me, lol. This is my 3402502985920835 (okay maybe I'm exaggerating) 2 week wait.

I really really really don't want to jinx myself, but we were talking about it and I dunno, we both have a "feeling" about this month which isn't really common for us. It was super cute, usually Nate isn't one to talk baby (I think it's his way of coping) and he actually was talking about nursery themes and all that. I got really lucky to marry such an amazing guy who will one day be the most amazing father ever. My hormones are nuts lately, and I've been getting really hot, really cold and back to hot. I think Nate wants to kill me because one minute the air is on 72 the next I have the heat on. It's my medicine though, it makes me nuts. Anyway, hopes are definitely NOT up, we know better. I love how my friends are more anxious for test taking time than I am. But, I have set myself up to not get over excited and to expect the worse. This would be a real convenient time to get pregnant. I'm going home to visit family and we have plans to go to Cedar Point. So, won't it be my like that I get pregnant and not be able to ride any rides. Eh well, that is definitely a price I am willing to pay.

My surgery process is in full swing! I'm going November 16th for a seminar, to meet the doctors, learn the plan and choose the route I'd like to take. After that the nurse said it should start a snowball effect basically. Hm, what else is going on in my life... nothing really! Oooh wait!! We did indeed get worked related good news today... maybe this will be our good luck week! Nate got promoted, well he gets promoted November 1st! So proud of my love!


Anyways, off to bed I go.
Infertile... for now,
Amber!

Oh infertility, I hate you.

Seriously, if anyone didn't know our situation and just knew that month after month I take medicine that makes me sick they'd think we're nuts. But such is life of an infertile couple, unfortunately. At least I know when we finally do get pregnant I am going to really appreciate every little thing because of everything I've gone through to get there. I don't think people really get what goes into getting pregnant for an infertile couple, so I want to help out with that a bit. For most people it's a cycle.. woman gets a visit from AF, woman ovulates, sex happens and bam pregnancy. For us well...


To start each month (continued daily throughout each month):
Wake up, take temp. before doing ANYTHING and chart it.
Take 1000 MG of Metformin - which by the way, makes me incredibly sick but I need to take it.
Take a prenatal
I also go to the doctors 1x a month to make sure my body is behaving on my meds and actually doing what it is supposed to.

For 10 days a month:
Aside from taking the metformin and the prenatals I take Provera.
Provera is used to make me have a period. Because my body sucks and refuses to.
Hopefully after the 10 days + 4 extras I should start, though I don't always. If I start great, if I don't then I bump it to 2000mg of metformin and provera again.

Days 5-9 of my period:
Aside from metformin and prenatals I now take Clomid.
Clomid is supposed to make me ovulate, usually.
I have to chart like always and I have to take ovulation tests everyday just to make sure I did indeed ovulate each month.


On top of all of this, I feel like garbage, I'm moody and my hormones are all over the place. I have to call my doctor after all of that to discuss my cycle for that month and devise a new plan for the next, just in case. All of this, just to get disappointment after disappointment as the months go on. I'm not writing this for sympathy but rather for understanding. It's a sad cycle that seems never ending. I don't need pity but I do need support. You have to understand its hard to KEEP doing this month after month so sometimes I need that push, that vote of confidence.. anything to make me feel better ya know?

Anyways, that's my ramblings for tonight. I really hope this helps those who aren't dealing with this but know someone that is to better understand the sadness that comes with infertility. The exhaustion of constantly checking up to see if you body is doing what it SHOULD be doing without medication. Because it really is a tiring thing.


Until tomorrow and a BFP,

Infertile Amber.

My eyes are opened.

Today was an incredibly rough day for me. I just feel like any day that I'm feeling a little bit better something happens to shove it back in my face. But enough is enough! I have to stay strong, persevere and beat this! There is no cure for PCOS but by spreading the word and making everyone aware of it and just how many people it effects we can change the world.

My eyes were opened today with a simple click on the good ol' Google link. I was searching for PCOS Awareness ribbons, for a car decal or anything. I came across a site, http://www.projectpcos.org/. It is an amazing, eye opening site. I didn't know there was such a thing as PCOS awareness as I was not informed enough on it to know it effects SO many people. But it does help me feel as though I'm not alone. It's a horrible thing to feel alone, and I don't want ANYONE else to go through that. So I write this blog, in hopes that it helps at least one other person the way it is helping me.


PCOS HOPE

If you ever see a ribbon of teal,
and wonder what it means.
Think of who a woman is,
and what a woman sees.

She sees herself, her beauty
in the middle of disease
She is more than a diagnosis
of symptoms, despair, and unease.

She's on a journey called PCOS
to discover, encourage, inspire and bless.
Where it will take her, she does not know
but her faith is great, and her efforts will show

That her mission is great and her plight is real
The symbol of hope is a ribbon of teal.

Until tomorrow, 
bitterly infertily Amber