Keep Hope Alive

"Hold your head high, stick your chest out. You can make it. It gets dark sometimes, but morning comes. Keep hope alive."
Jesse Jackson
First and foremost, I'd like to apologize for being such a downer lately. I know that I do have reason to be upset, but that doesn't mean I need to be! It's time to turn the page and start a new chapter, a happier chapter in my life. I'm going to look forward, remember the past, but stop looking back. I'm done with the "what-ifs" and focusing on what I have now.

This part, I never thought I'd say.. whoo are you ready for this? But, for real, I'm leaving everything up to God. I'm done trying to force change, I'll accept things as they come and know that there is a reason for everything. I have questioned my faith (or lack thereof) quite often lately. Why am I losing faith, what do I have to lose to keep it? There is no point to "lose" faith, if anything, with each day that passes it should be getting stronger. I plan on doing just that, making my faith stronger. My husband should get a kick out of that!
 
Anyways! I realized I haven't updated since surgery about how things are going. Well, I am a little over 1 month post-op. I've lost 40 pounds, yep, awesome. I'm proud of myself because of that, but I'm not anywhere near where I want to be. I need to focus on working out, seriously. I just haven't had any energy to do much. But, starting this next week when Nate is home we're back into the grind, working out daily. Til then I'll stick with Zumba on the Wii (LOVE IT) and walking. I'm not posting pictures of my progress until after I visit family (August).

Speaking of family, last I updated I was moving home for deployment. As much as I'd love to, financially it's not a smart move for us. So, I'm staying in El Paso, moving into a cheap 1 bedroom apartment so we can save some money and just visiting family more often. I'll probably go home October - January (maybe a bit shorter) then again in the Summer for a few months. I would LOVE to have the money to move home, but I thought about it. I'd spend the money to move out of here, fix up our car, drive from El Paso, TX to Michigan, pay for storage on our stuff, buy new stuff because I wouldn't bring anything but clothes and basic stuff for only a year. Then I'd have to move back here, find a place to live and move alone... again! No thank you, so instead in September we'll move into a new place and I'll just suck it up. As long as I'm not alone for the holidays I'm fine. Plus I figured after deployment we'll probably be PCSing somewhere else, I don't want to move across country, back to Texas and then wherever they send us all in a year. I'm over moving! So I'm going to find a place and stay there til the Army tells us to leave. So now I'm in the process of apartment hunting. I found a place I'm head over heels in love with, just not sure it's worth it (kind of pricey, still under BAH though) or if I should just get a super cheap "ok" place and save even more money. I mean I know Nate's answer is going to be (besides the "YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND AGAIN) that I should live somewhere I actually like or else I'll regret it. I don't know, we'll see.

Speaking of Nate, ugh, deployment is creeping up. I hate it! He's gone this week with his training, wahh. I'm totally not one of those wives who whines every single time he's gone.. although I will say this time sucks. I think it's because it's been roughly 4 months since Nate has gone to the field.. so it's kind of like the fist time again. He's doing good though, his ankle/foot is healing up nicely and he's good to deploy now. Not going to lie, I wish he wasn't deploying.. but I'm glad he busted his butt to make sure he'd be okay. I convinced him we should talk to a counselor. Before anyone thinks anything is wrong, there isn't. We just want to make sure we're on the same page as far as deployment goes. That is a very stressful time on a couple and I want to make sure we're stronger than ever during the time leading up and the year he's gone. So yeah, counseling.. I think it will be good for us. He's starting to do the whole Nate thing, and he's pushing me away (easier for him to deal I guess) and I want to nip that in the bud before he leaves. Plus I know, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm sure my sulking around is making it even harder for him. So we'll see, I'm optimistic about it though!


Anyways, that's an update on us for now!

Until tomorrow or when I post next ;)

Amber

Post..

To come!

... sigh

This isn't going to be just about my infertility tonight. I have so much to say, and I need to let it out somewhere. I've just been so sad lately, I know I'm getting depressed even though I'm not sure why. I need to make a Dr. appointment soon.
I just feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. People always tell me I can talk to them, but I don't necessarily feel that way. I've pushed away everyone lately. I just feel so alone. It sounds cheesy but even in a crowded room, I'm lost and alone. I thought I was moving past the infertility stuff with my surgery but lately it's been killing me.
I feel like everyone expected me to be okay, because I had something else to keep me busy. But, it isn't working. The surgery is actually making me think of it more. I can't pretend to let it go.. something that has hurt me for this long can't just disappear overnight. I just don't know where I belong anymore. I've lost sight of what's important in my life and I'm not sure how to get it back. I don't sleep anymore, I walk around like a zombie. I don't care about anything or anyone... at least it feels that way. But it also feels like no one really cares about me anymore either.
In the beginning I had such a strong support group, it seems like they got sick of me needing them and kind of disappeared. I don't know, this probably doesn't make much sense. But, nothing does to me anymore. It seems like all my friendships have faded.. my heart hurts because of that. I never really was the type of person that needed to depend on friends, but I am now and I feel like I have no one to lean on.
It's not fair to the ones that have been there for me to say this, I know that, but I can't help how I feel lately. I just feel like when things are going good I have support but as soon as something goes wrong I'm alone. I don't know anymore, I just don't like feeling this way.

Infertility Awareness Month

Please please please, show your support to your friends, family and loved ones going through infertility. April is Infertility Awareness Month and I promise you, a hug, smile or nice comment to someone you know that is suffering will lift them up more than you could imagine. We've been lucky and have had a great support system behind us every step of the way, but not everyone is as lucky. So, take time out of your day, please to let them know you are thinking of them, rooting for them and you love them! Thankssss
“Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

Heartfelt

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all,... we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" Laura Bush.

      I am overly emotional today, and most days lately. I know I haven't blogged in a while but I had SO much going on and no time to throw in my typical pity fest. I had my surgery, it was good and I'm recovering. But, with every day that passes I can't help but think.. what now? My fertility doctor strongly recommended this surgery, said it should fix things 100%. My surgeon said, I have no doubt you'll get pregnant right away (right away being 15-18 months post-op). So now I am left with promises again. Don't they know not to say that to me? Don't they know how much they got my hopes up, again. I wish they did, because as I sit here typing things I'm tearing up. Not because I'm so excited to start a family, but, because reality is I'll more than likely be shot down again. 

     What's left? I cannot keep destroying my heart, my marriage and my life because I want to have a baby. I know, we can try IUI or IVF... but as I see all of my infertile friends doing it, the emotions they have, the sadness they have when they swear, "this one is it!" then it isn't. I'm not sure I can go through that. The medicine, testing and failing every day was enough to make me depressed. What am I going to do when our chances are heightened that much more of getting pregnant and it doesn't happen? 

     I think it's time to crawl into my little hole again. I'm becoming more and more agitated. I don't have anyone here, or home that get's what I'm going through. I love my family and friends because they are so supportive, but they just don't understand it. I'm left here, blogging, or on different infertility forums pouring my heart out to ladies and men just like me. Sad, feeling alone and unsure of what's next.
     I love kids, I've always loved kids. So why, why can't I have them? My goal in life was to get married and have babies, lots of them. So, I can't help but think, why did God choose THIS for me. I would have loved and appreciated a baby just as much had we gotten pregnant immediately. So why do I have to keep getting hurt, keep crying, keep being bitter? No one deserves to go through this, I wouldn't wish it on my biggest enemy. And I really don't get why I, the one who would kill for a baby is sitting here, alone.
     I know a lot of people aren't going to understand this, why I'm so bitter and angry. But imagine having this dream job, you are completely qualified for then being told you can't have it and your chances of having it are slim to none. It's heartbreaking. We have every intention of adopting after this deployment. That was never an option for us, it was always a must. But, I also want my own babies, I think most women do.
     I've said it before, a big reason I am going home for deployment (aside from needing family/friend support) is because a lot of people here are pregnant or have babies. While I am SO happy for them, I cannot surround myself, especially without my husband with that. That's a horrible depression waiting to happen. So, in October I'm going home, getting a job and going to school. Keeping myself really busy until he comes home.

     Until then I'm stuck with a promise, the smallest amount of hope and a supportive group of people keeping me sane. Hopefully the doctors are right, hopefully it WILL be my time.

But, until then...

Angry, bitter, hopeful and drained,
Amber

It's been a while

It's been quite a while since I've updated this. Honestly, I'm not sure (at this point in time) what to update about. This past month my husband and I decided was our last month to actively try for a baby. Actively meaning with medicine and the help of doctors. It's SO incredibly heartbreaking to always here, "maybe next month." My body cannot handle all of these meds and my heart cannot handle any more negatives. So, we made a decision to let it go.. until after deployment. This breaks my heart even more than stopping because I know one of the biggest things was Nate wanted a baby before he deployed.


Good news is, my body is still working without the medicine. I had AF this month and I ovulated without anything. This is great news, because that means I can stop medicine altogether. On another note I have officially decided I will be having gastric bypass surgery. This should happen within the next couple of months. Our hope is that 1) I'll become healthier for myself and 2) I'll lose enough weight that I could have a baby a lot easier than I can now.


I'm just sad, I know I'm getting depressed about the whole thing. I've been talking to a counselor in hopes to kind of, forgive myself and move past the infertility. I need to realize that I am more than my infertility, and I will be okay regardless. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. It's a lot of work though and it'll take me quite a while.


Deployment, yuck. I've decided I'm going home during deployment. I just think being here, surrounded by pregnant people or people with kids isn't the best idea ever for me.. especially because I'll be here alone. So yea... going home for sure.

Anyways that's my life lately, I'll update a hell of a lot more often than I am now I promise!!


Until we're pregnant I'm hormonally yours,

Amber =)

Sorry for the delay!

Fail on my part. I know it's been a while since I updated this, but I'm visiting family right now. Nothing new or exciting regarding ttc or anything. Still on my two week wait, not getting my hopes up about it. But yeah, story of my life, right?


I promise when I get back home I will update like crazy!!

<3